Day 346 of 365 - Standing up to Bullies
I'm not quite sure how this post will go because a bunch of ideas have been circling around in my head today, looking for a place to land. They relate essentially to issues of vulnerability, safety, boundaries and courage.
As a child of the 1950's, I grew up in an era where we were taught not to challenge authority figures, to follow all rules, tow the line and to accept that we deserved punishment 'for our own good' if we received it. While many rules of conduct were exercised for general order, the cultural expectations around authority allowed for bullying, shaming and dominance behaviors by those who often had more of their own interests at heart than those in their charge. The primary influences for me were church and school, though families also followed those ideas, as it was the norm.
When I was a fairly young kid, maybe seven years old, there was an older boy that we would sometimes meet as we walked to school. He would take the opportunity to punch whomever he could get close enough to, and laugh gleefully when we ran in fright. The coping strategy for this was either to fight back (not me), run fast, or tell your big brothers to teach him a lesson.
What anybody who is oppressed or made to question their acceptance and safety in any way quickly learns is, strategies to avoid pain. This might include making it obvious that you are following the rules, avoiding challenging situations where your behavior might be called into question or, becoming a covert rebel. I've done all those and more to deal with the feelings of being limited by those manipulating power.
Being a teenager in the late 1960's and growing into adulthood in the 1970's I was exposed to a big cultural shift, where it became much more common to question the cultural norms. To be sure, it was a confusing time, especially for those of us who generally aimed to please and be acknowledged for being 'good kids'.
Although I'd never been all that forthright in standing up for myself in threatening situations, at least not without some kind of safe barrier between me and the threatening one, I developed more courage for speaking up once I had children. As each one of our kids faced different challenges growing up, I found more courage to defend their needs, ask questions and to challenge doctrines which seemed unfair.
Subsequent to that, I would find myself in workplace scenarios which created a lot of conflict in me between what the rules of organizations expected and the reality before me in my day to day work. To be able to have more input, I would join committees and participate in projects where I could give feedback. Sometimes this had a concrete effect and others it was a waste of time when someone was just 'going through the motions' of getting staff input with no intention of including it in policies. Sometimes I've declined or left a work or volunteer role as a result.
Now, in my senior years, I feel like the threats are different in my privileged first world life; things like climate change, North American political and economic trends and the pervasiveness of new technology over which we seem to have little control. I'm not a front line activist by any means, but I do sign lots of petitions, support organizations which want to protect our environment and share on social media information which seems valid to me to bring to others awareness, and of course, I vote. Since I don't like being shamed by others, I try to be mindful of not doing it.
I don't want to spend a lot of my time or energy debating over who is right or wrong but I will choose to draw a line or create a boundary if need be. Though I no longer need to worry much about being randomly attacked, a sense of vulnerability could certainly influence, for example where I choose to live as I move through my senior years. I hope I'll have the courage to communicate clearly on my own behalf should the need arise.
Although my life experience of bullies may seem minimal compared to say, those who live in more blatantly oppressive situations, it is important to recognize that any range of these experiences in our lifetime affects how we interact and live in the world. There is a whole spectrum at play. Some of us are just luckier than others in having opportunities to learn about it and cope in healthier ways.
As a child of the 1950's, I grew up in an era where we were taught not to challenge authority figures, to follow all rules, tow the line and to accept that we deserved punishment 'for our own good' if we received it. While many rules of conduct were exercised for general order, the cultural expectations around authority allowed for bullying, shaming and dominance behaviors by those who often had more of their own interests at heart than those in their charge. The primary influences for me were church and school, though families also followed those ideas, as it was the norm.
When I was a fairly young kid, maybe seven years old, there was an older boy that we would sometimes meet as we walked to school. He would take the opportunity to punch whomever he could get close enough to, and laugh gleefully when we ran in fright. The coping strategy for this was either to fight back (not me), run fast, or tell your big brothers to teach him a lesson.
What anybody who is oppressed or made to question their acceptance and safety in any way quickly learns is, strategies to avoid pain. This might include making it obvious that you are following the rules, avoiding challenging situations where your behavior might be called into question or, becoming a covert rebel. I've done all those and more to deal with the feelings of being limited by those manipulating power.
Being a teenager in the late 1960's and growing into adulthood in the 1970's I was exposed to a big cultural shift, where it became much more common to question the cultural norms. To be sure, it was a confusing time, especially for those of us who generally aimed to please and be acknowledged for being 'good kids'.
Although I'd never been all that forthright in standing up for myself in threatening situations, at least not without some kind of safe barrier between me and the threatening one, I developed more courage for speaking up once I had children. As each one of our kids faced different challenges growing up, I found more courage to defend their needs, ask questions and to challenge doctrines which seemed unfair.
Subsequent to that, I would find myself in workplace scenarios which created a lot of conflict in me between what the rules of organizations expected and the reality before me in my day to day work. To be able to have more input, I would join committees and participate in projects where I could give feedback. Sometimes this had a concrete effect and others it was a waste of time when someone was just 'going through the motions' of getting staff input with no intention of including it in policies. Sometimes I've declined or left a work or volunteer role as a result.
Now, in my senior years, I feel like the threats are different in my privileged first world life; things like climate change, North American political and economic trends and the pervasiveness of new technology over which we seem to have little control. I'm not a front line activist by any means, but I do sign lots of petitions, support organizations which want to protect our environment and share on social media information which seems valid to me to bring to others awareness, and of course, I vote. Since I don't like being shamed by others, I try to be mindful of not doing it.
I don't want to spend a lot of my time or energy debating over who is right or wrong but I will choose to draw a line or create a boundary if need be. Though I no longer need to worry much about being randomly attacked, a sense of vulnerability could certainly influence, for example where I choose to live as I move through my senior years. I hope I'll have the courage to communicate clearly on my own behalf should the need arise.
Although my life experience of bullies may seem minimal compared to say, those who live in more blatantly oppressive situations, it is important to recognize that any range of these experiences in our lifetime affects how we interact and live in the world. There is a whole spectrum at play. Some of us are just luckier than others in having opportunities to learn about it and cope in healthier ways.
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