Day 190 of 365 - Minding My Own Business
I would not say that I've made a full recovery, but progress has been made. It used to be that I paid an excessive amount of attention to what was going on with people around me, ready to jump in with offers of advice or help.
This began in childhood, unbeknownst to me to be problematic. In my mind, I was just being a good and helpful girl. No doubt, competing for the attention of parents among several other siblings was a significant factor. In any case, this behavior carried on into adulthood, I suppose because it had been reinforced more than criticized. Sometimes siblings or others would suggest that I ought to mind my own business more than theirs. Often enough though, others were happy for me to volunteer to help them out.
It was not until I heard the term codependency in adulthood that the penny dropped. There was actually a name for my excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. Once I became aware of it, I had to work really hard at withdrawing myself from what had been a very rewarding behavior. In truth, I was probably finally feeling emotionally drained by trying to attend to so many things at once.
As is true for most behaviors, there are upsides as well as downsides. For me, I think one of the upsides of codependency, at least once I learned more, was that in a way it helped to foster my intuitive skills. When you make a habit of observing people and the nuances of their behavior, you get pretty good at reading unspoken signals. Without knowing it, until I learned more about intuition in mid-life, I was becoming adept at tuning in to the energy fields of others to sense what was going on with them. This gave me a leg up on being more understanding about solving their problem.
I could learn to channel this observational skill to tune into my own energy field with more clarity too, and to that of others, when invited. Our intuition can be a powerful ally when used with right intention. It can help us to sense what is not usually available at a surface level. This opens awareness to the whole body/mind connection, which is a very useful arena of understanding. The difference in using my intuitive skills more appropriately versus in a codependent way is this. Instead of anxiously scanning my environment at an unconscious level to see where I can help or enable, I can enter a relaxed intuitive state to receive messages from without and within, which I can choose to act upon or not.
Make no mistake, I could go down the same draining road with intuitive skills as I did with codependent behaviors when I was younger. It is a practice to be clear and to discriminate what is mine to attend to or engage with and what is not. As was raised in a discussion earlier this week by my singing teacher, who has learned to use her intuitive skills to guide students in lessons, we can learn to simply do this without taking the energy on as our own.
It really comes down to clarity about boundaries in a way that is healthy for everyone. When I respect my own boundaries as well as yours, we are both better off. It has taken me a lot of my adult life to learn this and I do still slip into old habits. Feel free to remind me, nicely of course. I can only hope the balance is tipping more in the positive direction of minding my own business, in a good way.
This began in childhood, unbeknownst to me to be problematic. In my mind, I was just being a good and helpful girl. No doubt, competing for the attention of parents among several other siblings was a significant factor. In any case, this behavior carried on into adulthood, I suppose because it had been reinforced more than criticized. Sometimes siblings or others would suggest that I ought to mind my own business more than theirs. Often enough though, others were happy for me to volunteer to help them out.
It was not until I heard the term codependency in adulthood that the penny dropped. There was actually a name for my excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. Once I became aware of it, I had to work really hard at withdrawing myself from what had been a very rewarding behavior. In truth, I was probably finally feeling emotionally drained by trying to attend to so many things at once.
As is true for most behaviors, there are upsides as well as downsides. For me, I think one of the upsides of codependency, at least once I learned more, was that in a way it helped to foster my intuitive skills. When you make a habit of observing people and the nuances of their behavior, you get pretty good at reading unspoken signals. Without knowing it, until I learned more about intuition in mid-life, I was becoming adept at tuning in to the energy fields of others to sense what was going on with them. This gave me a leg up on being more understanding about solving their problem.
I could learn to channel this observational skill to tune into my own energy field with more clarity too, and to that of others, when invited. Our intuition can be a powerful ally when used with right intention. It can help us to sense what is not usually available at a surface level. This opens awareness to the whole body/mind connection, which is a very useful arena of understanding. The difference in using my intuitive skills more appropriately versus in a codependent way is this. Instead of anxiously scanning my environment at an unconscious level to see where I can help or enable, I can enter a relaxed intuitive state to receive messages from without and within, which I can choose to act upon or not.
Make no mistake, I could go down the same draining road with intuitive skills as I did with codependent behaviors when I was younger. It is a practice to be clear and to discriminate what is mine to attend to or engage with and what is not. As was raised in a discussion earlier this week by my singing teacher, who has learned to use her intuitive skills to guide students in lessons, we can learn to simply do this without taking the energy on as our own.
It really comes down to clarity about boundaries in a way that is healthy for everyone. When I respect my own boundaries as well as yours, we are both better off. It has taken me a lot of my adult life to learn this and I do still slip into old habits. Feel free to remind me, nicely of course. I can only hope the balance is tipping more in the positive direction of minding my own business, in a good way.
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