Day 177 of 365 - Pushing the Pause Button
One of my email newsletters this week had an interesting theme which caught my attention. It's from a couple who do coaching mainly for business situations, but the principles apply to life in general. Their approach centers around staying away from what they call the dreaded drama triangle.
People like to tell stories about their lives. For millennia it has been a primary form of communication, for purposes of sharing, informing and teaching. Stories can take on many forms ranging from verbatim narration about an event to just small sound bites.
We learn from an early age that we get more attention and response from more dramatic stories. Our life experience of this influences our way of thinking, creating a repetitive tendency to adopt a high drama style. Even if we don't tell a lot of dramatic stories aloud, we sure tell them in our heads!
You can probably remember some right now. Just think of a recent time when something didn't go your way or caught you off guard. What story did you make up about it in your mind, that you perhaps ruminated over for a long time?
We do this by idealizing situations too. An example that comes to mind is a teenager having a crush on someone. In their mind, they may create a whole fantasy story about how wonderful their life will be when this person falls in love with them, rescues them from their misery and makes their dreams come true. It's the stuff of fairy tales and Disney movies.
We make up these stories to satisfy our unsettled minds when we are triggered. We want things to make sense and we want to react, even if only in our mind. As a result, we may misinterpret a communication. We might feel like a persecuted victim or that we need to rescue or be rescued from a situation.
What was suggested by the coaches was, that it's more helpful to pause until you have more information. The phrase they used was 'assume innocent intent'. So, if a communication from someone triggers you in some way, instead of assuming the worst (or the best), assume innocent or neutral intent until you have an opportunity to gather more information or directly ask the person what they really expect.
They even suggested you could use it like a little mantra to prevent your mind from spiraling off into drama. It's a very neutral phrase, and does not let negative intent off the hook. It simply helps push the pause button so you can get your more rational mind on board.
Of course, there are times when we will be emotionally reactive anyway, when we are tired, stressed, unwell and so on. Those are automatic responses and feelings need to be felt and moved or processed. But, we might want to curtail the longer ruminations, which is the purpose of assuming innocent intent.
We don't actually know the truth of our story until we get confirming information. So, pause, breathe and think about stopping the tape until you do.
People like to tell stories about their lives. For millennia it has been a primary form of communication, for purposes of sharing, informing and teaching. Stories can take on many forms ranging from verbatim narration about an event to just small sound bites.
We learn from an early age that we get more attention and response from more dramatic stories. Our life experience of this influences our way of thinking, creating a repetitive tendency to adopt a high drama style. Even if we don't tell a lot of dramatic stories aloud, we sure tell them in our heads!
You can probably remember some right now. Just think of a recent time when something didn't go your way or caught you off guard. What story did you make up about it in your mind, that you perhaps ruminated over for a long time?
We do this by idealizing situations too. An example that comes to mind is a teenager having a crush on someone. In their mind, they may create a whole fantasy story about how wonderful their life will be when this person falls in love with them, rescues them from their misery and makes their dreams come true. It's the stuff of fairy tales and Disney movies.
We make up these stories to satisfy our unsettled minds when we are triggered. We want things to make sense and we want to react, even if only in our mind. As a result, we may misinterpret a communication. We might feel like a persecuted victim or that we need to rescue or be rescued from a situation.
What was suggested by the coaches was, that it's more helpful to pause until you have more information. The phrase they used was 'assume innocent intent'. So, if a communication from someone triggers you in some way, instead of assuming the worst (or the best), assume innocent or neutral intent until you have an opportunity to gather more information or directly ask the person what they really expect.
They even suggested you could use it like a little mantra to prevent your mind from spiraling off into drama. It's a very neutral phrase, and does not let negative intent off the hook. It simply helps push the pause button so you can get your more rational mind on board.
Of course, there are times when we will be emotionally reactive anyway, when we are tired, stressed, unwell and so on. Those are automatic responses and feelings need to be felt and moved or processed. But, we might want to curtail the longer ruminations, which is the purpose of assuming innocent intent.
We don't actually know the truth of our story until we get confirming information. So, pause, breathe and think about stopping the tape until you do.
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