Day 155 of 365 - Making Peace With Who I Am

It woke me with a start, from what had seemed a very pleasant dream.  This is not all that unusual for me, to be rambling blissfully through a dream scene until something said or done resonates so strongly that my mind literally wakes me to pay attention to it.

In last night's dream, I am in a an unremembered place of work, where I have recently completed some project successfully and am praised for it by colleagues and manager.  I am riding high on this acknowledgment when, I'm asked to take a phone call which bursts my bubble.  When I answer the phone, I am being chastised by a senior staff for inappropriate remarks I have made which contravene policy.  I am threatened with dismissal.  Damn!

My mother was very outspoken.  Let's say I learned it from her.  Over the years I felt I developed more of a sense of tact via my education and career, but when I feel passionate about something, words just pop out of my mouth which I may later regret.

Although the dream scene was fictitious, all morning I've been thinking of times I spoke out inappropriately at work, or in some committee meeting, or with clients in my professional therapist role.  I've even been remembering times when I've been chastised by teachers and principals for reacting to what I felt were unjust assessments of my children's actions at school.

I remember being stunned by a late evening phone call from one teacher, who said she 'had never been so humiliated in her life' by comments I made to her in a note in response to her assessment that my son was going to grow up to be a violent man because of some drawing he made in elementary school.  I guess she was not used to people standing up to her.  And, by the way, he was timid and shy and wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally.

Another couple of work incidents I recall included reprimand from my supervisor for critical remarks made about the approach of a certain doctor who frequently saw clients in our infant program.  On another occasion I received a personal phone call from a pediatrician chastising me for coaching parents to ask about having certain tests to help understand their baby's problem.  I was deemed 'out of line' and 'not being a team player' for saying what I believed.  I was supposed to 'know better'.

Needless to say, I mostly towed the line until some other situation got me fired up.  Really, I am mostly fairly quiet and reserved.  But sometimes, you just need to call it as you see it.  Thanks Mom!

Lately, some other situations have reminded me of my last professional career placement, my longest, which I left in frustration at about age 50.  I excelled in my work there and contributed a lot to the program.  But, some of the politics became so stressful that I just did not want to deal with it any more.  I've had some regrets for not hanging in there longer, wondering if I really could have lasted another 12 years to be eligible for my full pension.

Then, last night's dream comes along as a potent reminder to me.  Eventually, when you feel you no longer fit it in, you just need to get out.  I had had enough years of worrying about being diplomatic and towing the line.

I also came across what seemed an appropriate quote this morning. 'Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.' (Doris Mortman)  I was not at peace with never rocking the boat or encouraging others to ask pointed questions which seemed in their best interest.

Perhaps I will finally make peace with who I am in my senior years.  I am a woman with opinions and my opinions count for something.  On this International Women's Day, I am holding onto that.