Day 147 of 365 - Does Birth Order Matter?

Several times, a friend of mine has raised the topic of birth order in conversation, both when talking about characteristics of children, as well as couple relationships.  Not long ago, she loaned me a book about the topic.  It is The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman, psychologist, and another treatise from the 80's being published in 1985.

I've often had this birth order discussion with this friend because, we each have three children, all boys.  Below I will describe typical characteristics of first born, middle and last born.  Of course these are generalizations, but they have frequently been observed.

Because first born children are the parenting experiment for first time parents, they tend to get a lot of attention but also have high expectations placed upon them.  In general they fall into two categories:  compliant and wanting to please, or strong willed and aggressive depending on the parenting style.  They tend to be 'little adults' because most of their exposure at first is with adults.  First born children tend to be high achievers, conscientious, organized and people pleasing.  They can become perfectionists because of the high expectations placed upon them.

Second born children tend to be somewhat opposite the personality type of the first born.  They are the product of pressures from both their parents and the sibling born first, as well as any born after.  Middle children tend to be independent and to go outside the family, to peer groups, to achieve the recognition they may not get at home.  Because they learn to negotiate and compromise early in life, they can be good mediators.

Last born children usually get more attention than the middle child.  They can be precocious, affectionate and engaging.  They tend to enjoy interacting with others and do well in groups and are perceptive of other people.  They learn their social skills from being both coddled and teased in the family dynamic.

I could agree with many of the descriptions relating to my own family situation.  In a way, it's easier to see these patterns if the children are all the same sex.  It gets a bit more complicated when there are both boys and girls and when there are more than three.  For example, if the oldest sibling is one sex and the second child is the other, the second child can have characteristics of both first and second because in a way, they are a 'first born'.  Also, the last born child of boy or girl can have those characteristics as well as middle child features. The author kind of lost me when he got into those kind of dynamics.

Also, what about bigger families?  Basically, you are considered a middle child if you were not first or last, unless there is a large time gap between groups of children.  So, even though I'm from a family of eight, I'm considered a middle child.

You may be wondering about marriage combinations.  Based on research, apparently, the best combinations are for the youngest brother of sisters to marry the oldest sister of brothers.  Or, for the youngest sister of brothers to marry the oldest brother of brothers.  Let me know if you can get your head around that!

The most volatile combination for marriage is apparently two first born or two only children, because they are both used to being 'right'.  Two middle children in a marriage can also be problematic because of their 'peace at any price' mentality, not wanting to rock the boat and a tendency to avoid problems.  Last born partners may have a lot of fun while dating but struggle in marriage when they need to become more responsible.

So there you have it.  Another burning question answered, sort of....